“Children need our love, especially when they don’t deserve it.” (Harold Hulbert)
You can start by removing one common misconception about discipline: discipline does NOT necessarily mean punishment. In fact, the Latin root of the word “discipline” means “knowledge”. What we need to understand is that the discipline methods are meant to teach our children how to convey knowledge about the appropriate behavior in different situations. It’s obvious that some methods are better than the others. This report is going to look at different methods commonly used by parents today and comment. Ultimately, however, it is up to each individual how they decide to deal with inappropriate behaviour.
You may be asking, “How does my child know that they are loved when I punish them?” Children know because they only feel safe and secure when given appropriate boundaries. And when you punish your child you are providing healthy boundaries for them. Let me just say here and now that I am not referring to physical punishment; when I use the word “punishment” I am talking about anything that is giving your child a consequence for an action that you disapprove of.
We all know how hard it is to find the right balance between discipline and independence, especially as there are many parents that feel the need to control their kids and impose their authority. Many of the measures we take to discipline our children are resented by kids as a limitation of their rights and freedom. Remember that an exaggerated focus on any of those sides, excessive discipline or unlimited independence can damage your child.
Therefore, you should concentrate on giving consequences for important things; things that will help your child learn more about life, but do everything with measure. In addition, try not to limit your child’s independence. An independent child will easily navigate the small obstacles of life, have more confidence in their own ability and grow up as mature, healthy adult.
Often the moments of happiness we share with our children seem to fade in our attempts to provide a good consequence for our child’s behaviour. Therefore, we must always remember to see the disciplinary methods as the opposite of our love instead of seeing it as a proof of it? Here is what you can achieve through disciplinary methods:
· Even if the child sees the consequence as a negative experience in the moment, the long term effects are beneficial for their development. It should be noted here that a consequence of a child’s actions will have a much more powerful effect than a punishment.
· A prime example is my nine year old daughter this morning. She was dawdling and playing with her dolls instead of getting ready for school. I gave her several reminders but to no avail. So, when it was time to leave for school she wasn’t ready. It was actually pouring with rain. I said goodbye to her and left to drive my other three children to school.
· Becky ended up walking in the pouring rain (with her umbrella). But that was her choice. No amount of nagging could have spoken to her as clearly as that one simple gesture. She had to suffer the consequence of her poor choice. And I wouldn’t mind betting that next time it is raining she will be ready for school on time.
· The beauty of this method is that she won’t see me as the disciplinarian, because it was actually Becky that made the poor choice. I offered a ride to school for all children who were ready on time. I didn’t even scold her for not being ready. I simply said to her, “Don’t forget your umbrella, Becky”. Then I left her to finish getting ready by herself.
How powerful do you think this can be if we use it correctly? What is so great about this is that children actually learn to discipline themselves. Once they know the rules and choose to break them, they have chosen the consequence that goes with it. Therefore, it pays to establish rules well so that children are well aware of them. Let them know that certain behaviour comes hand in hand with a certain consequence. Then your job as a parent will be much easier. Then you can stop playing policeman.
It is of utmost importance to ensure that 80% of our interaction with our kids is positive. I know this is easier said than done, but this is crucial to our child’s development. A child who lives constantly with put downs cannot develop into a well functioning person because you are limiting them.
· Children love rewards and I use a reward box with my four children. Every Friday, when I check their bedrooms to see how tidy they are keeping their room, they get to pick from the prize box. This motivates my children to keep a tidy room so that they can have a pick from the box. My kids even go shopping with me to choose what to put in the box. So they know that it be something worthwhile as they picked it.
This simple thing is a positive reinforcement to try and negate the need for discipline in the first place. Ultimately, it is best if we can prevent bad behaviour, but this is not always possible because children are children, and as such are unpredictable.
It is important to adapt the discipline methods to suit the child’s personality. For example, if we want to maintain a certain behaviors or form new ones (like when the child doesn’t watch TV for doing the homework), the disciplinary methods can focus on using rewards. If we deal with problematic behaviors, the best way is to use the methods that focus on the logical consequences of the child’s actions (for example, if the child comes late from school, he is not allowed to watch the favorite cartoons).
The daily stresses of life adversely impact on today’s parents and sometimes, they can’t seem to be able to find the right resources and patience when dealing with their children who misbehave. Think about that the next time your kid plans to test the limits your patience. Do you really know how to deal with this sort of situation? Some parents don’t feel comfortable when they have to use a disciplinary method, regardless the method. Other parents ask themselves if the method is actually going to give results; still others choose not to use any discipline. Then there are parents who chose to use extreme measures, without considering the long term implications of their actions in the future development of their children:
We can split the disciplinary methods into different categories:
The power – assertive discipline (including spanking or other physical form of punishment, withdrawal of privileges, threats of punishment) will cause children to respond to their parent’s requests with fear, rather than respect. Kids will try to conform to their parent’s expectation in order to avoid punishment.
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